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I don’t think it is wrong to tell a girl she is pretty or a boy he is handsome. My dad always told the world how beautiful his daughters were. However he also told me I had common sense and supported me when I went to college. My mom taught me a love for books, and many other things that brought me joy.
Most of all though I was given a foundation of who God was and I believe the most important thing we can do for our children and grandchildren is tell them that they are made in the image and likeness of our creator and that he has created them for a purpose that far outweighs anything they could even imagine on their own. I think everyone including girls need to know the purpose of why they are here. God created us to honor and serve and love Him with all of our hearts and He created us so we could reach our fullest potential whether we are a girl or a boy. I think the reason young girls are becoming so obsessed with appearance is because that is the culture they are growing up in. God has been kicked out of the classroom and out of a lot of the homes … and been replaced with media …that displays girls and women as overly sexualized images of what they are supposed to be.
Good article, but this shouldn’t be something you have to squelch yourself over. Children are people too albeit younger, less experienced, less able in many ways, and more vulnerable, they’re people: they have ambitions and dreams and serious interests of their own. It is really important to talk to and not at a child, they appreciate being taken seriously, and I suspect they know they are different from adults without exactly knowing how that might be. If I walked up to an adult and talked all about how they looked and not to them about who they are that would be insulting and I think the same goes for children and perhaps more so for young girls who get a rough deal in just about every human culture (which is shameful and sickening). Good on you for doing this but I reckon you are going to find the experience of talking to these younger people a rewarding and educative experience the more you do it, I certainly have from the conversations I have had with children I have met. Thanks for the article.
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Perhaps you are modeling a new perspective. I was visiting with my four-year old twin nieces just a week ago and had given them matching outfits for back-to-preschool. One of the girls had to try on the entire ensemble…shirt, skirt, tights and shoes…and then pronounced that she would be “the prettiest girl in school”. I quickly disabused her of that notion, pointing out that her identical twin would be wearing the same clothes! I also used the episode as a “teachable moment”, when I told her I was more concerned that her clothes be neat, appropriate, and comfortable…and if she felt good about herself because of something she accomplished, that was way more important to me than her being pretty. We do need to have a heightened awareness of our words, and the effect they have. Thanks for your perceptive insights!
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This. Is. AWESOME. I am the eldest of four children and my 8 year old sister loves nothing more than to devour a book. She has a better vocabulary than half of the people in my college classes, and really couldn’t give less of a hoot about what other people think. I wrote my college application essay about how her gallantry through her celiac disease inspires me, but she has shown me so much more than that. Elli represents the person I wish I could have been 12 years ago. My life would have been so much different if I had her confidence and bravery at her age. I am so glad to have had the opportunity to help foster her sense of self-worth, and I could not be more proud of her. Thank you Latina, for reminding us that every interaction with a child matters, no matter how short.
This is a wonderful article on an issue that I honestly haven’t thought much about. It is very difficult not to compliment little girls on how adorable they are but you are absolutely right. I work with elementary school children and I’m going to make an effort to speak to the girls differently now that my attention has been drawn to the issue. I must admit, I do see the effects of cultural expectations of women even with the kindergarten girls. They are highly concerned with clothes, jewelry and even high-heels (yikes!). All of the girls I take care of are bright and surprisingly thoughtful so I’m sure they will respond well to more academic conversation. Thank you for your insight and I will be looking for your book!
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I agree with you.
Giving complements to someone how thinks he or she is beautiful after spending time putting on various of clothes, scarfs etc is a nice thing, just as nice as saying “I like your style. Have a good time/evening/time.. When you got time we can play….”. By doing so, you give the person attention for the job the just put in dressing up/doing the hair/etc and then move on to do something together.
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That is just one of the many ways adults reinforce stereo types and condescend to children. I recently stopped asking or guessing childrens ages. It just isnt important but we are always making it a subject of conversation. Adults certainly would feel uncomfortable talking about out age and its effects on health and development. Why do we do this with kids? I remember as a child how adults often exaggerate enthusiasm it just made me think they wernt being very real.
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Thank you for your comment! You have said exactly what I thought when reading this article. We should give truthful compliments whenever the occasion presents itself. Telling a little three year old girl that she looks darling in her pink nightgown is going to do far less damage than the beauty magazines she’s going to start reading as a teenager. It would have been so easy to tell that little girl how cute she is and then transition the conversation to her books.
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Beautifully expressed. When we speak with children it is like speaking with our own self at childhood… our inner child. Coming into the heart space and allowing that to guide you to heart-ful communication will always mean you are doing the best you can for each other. Children are naturally in the heart-space but as we age we start leaving that place more and more. It does not take much to get back into the heart, and if we allow it, children will show us the way.
Essay on the five ballet positions
I don’t know, I was told as a girl that I was smart as well as pretty. I feel like they both should be complemented. To not hear that you are pretty can be as damaging as not hearing that you are smart. When it comes to little boys, many will comment how cute or handsome they look, as well as their intelligence and for the most part, they turn out fine. I understand where you all are coming from, but why should we take those compliments away just because the child is a girl?
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